How The Company Views Its Employees

1. The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career.

2. HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain

3. HE is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal

SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping.

4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.

SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.

5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.

SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.

6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.

SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.

7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance.

The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.

8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?

SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?

9. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.

SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?

10 . HE's leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.

SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.

New HR Policy

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci HOOCHI bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

"It Can Only Get Better!"

Corporate Rules

Rule-1

The Boss is always right.

Rule-2

If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.

Rule-3

Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

Rule-4

Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

Rule-5

If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Rule-6

When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Rule-7

It doesn't matter what you do, It only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.

Rule-8

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick

Rule-9

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Rule-10

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Rule-11

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Rule-12

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Rule-13

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Rule-14

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Rule-15

Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".

Rule-16

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

Rule-17

You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.

Rule-18

In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.

Rule-19

In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.

Rule-20

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Almost Got Caught

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Recruitment

How to recruit the right person for the right job?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least, If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

Comparison Between Prison And Work

In Prison: You get three meals a day (free).

At Work: You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

In Prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At Work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

In Prison: A guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
At Work: You must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

In Prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At Work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison: You get your own toilet.
At Work: You have to share.

In Prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In Prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
At Work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In Prison: You spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At Work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.