The Duck and the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.''

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

The Indian and the Ferrari

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?

The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

The Witty Sardar

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, theSheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardar replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheikh asked. The Sardar smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

Baseball

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, their 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy, who says, “Dark in here.” The man says yes it is. The little boy says he has a baseball. The man says that’s nice. The little boy asks would you like to buy it. The man says no thanks. The boy says that his Dad is outside. The man says OK, how much? The boy says $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mom’s lover are in the same closet. The boy says, dark in here. The man says yes. The boy says that he has a baseball glove. The man remembers the last time and asks how much? The boy demands $750.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove,” “Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell it for?” The son says $1000. The father says, that’s terrible to over charge your friends like that. That is way more than those things cost. I am going to take you to church to confess.

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

Clever Son

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden,but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.............................

Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.Confused, the old man wrote another note to his sontelling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was:

"Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.......................... It's the best I could do for you from here."