Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

The Wrong Bitch

The train was packed, and the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the only remaining seat.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

The 'Known' Judge

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

The Muslim and the Irishman

A Muslim was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't realize we had a choice!'

'Women Only' Parking Lot

The World's First 'Women Only' Parking Lot.

George Bush in Hell

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'you're on my list, but I have noroom for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. 'I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

'No!' George shouted. 'I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long'.

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time.

'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day', commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said: 'Yeah,I can handle this.'

The Devil smiled and said 'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'

'Next Life'

'Next Life' by Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get death out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.

You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila!

You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

Anagrams

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

More One-Liners

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
........................................ ..................................
Money is not everything.

There's MasterCard & Visa.
........................ .......................................... ........
One should love animals.

They are so tasty.
........................ .......................................... ........
Save water.

Shower with your girl friend.
........................ .......................................... ........
Love thy neighbour.

But don't get caught.
........................................ ..................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
........................................ ............... ...................
Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
....................................... ..................................
The wise never marry

And when they marry they become other-wise.
........................................ ..................................
Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.
........................................ ..................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
........................ .......................................... ........
Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop
........................................ ..................................
Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children
........................................ ..................................
"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep
........................ ............................... ........... ........
There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning
........................................ ..................................
"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !
........................ .......................................... ........
"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!
........................................ ..................................
God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.
........................................ ..................................
When two's company, - three's the result!
........................................ ..................................
The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know -

So... Why learn.
........................................ ..................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........

Bihar Driving License

DERIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the licen. If you dont know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost) applikason. For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.

1. Lasat name:(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no (Check karet box)

2. phust name:(_) Ramprasadva (_) Lakhanva (_) Sivprasadva (_) Jamnaprasadva (_) Dont no(Check karet box)

3. Age:(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no (Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ (M) _____(F) _____ not sure _____not aplikable

5. Chappalva Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason: (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelmaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed(Check karet box)

7. Numbher of children libing in the household: ___

8. Numbher that are yourj: ___

9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leabe blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)

12. Dental rekard:(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color. (Check karet box)

13. Your thumb imparesson :____________________________

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, pleaje dont copy thumb imparesson also. Pleaje provide your own thumb imparesson.) PELEAJE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dot have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DERIVE. WHE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS.

Woman Without Womenlike Habits

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Some Sardar Jokes

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a sardar, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house. A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our sardar came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, "Is something wrong?"

To which the ferocious sardar replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

>==========================>

One sardar was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"

The sardar answered, "No, I am BantaSingh."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. The sardar answered, "No, No, Me Banta Singh!"

Third one came and asked him the same question again. The sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another sardar soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"

The other sardar was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

Banta Singh slapped him and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

>=====================================>

A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"

2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

The sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

>=====================================>

Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"

Santa: "Hidden cameras!"

Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"

Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why, every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World Channel'. How does he know that?"

>======================================>

Having lost his donkey a sardar got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?"

The sardar replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

>====================================>

Two sardars were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"

Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"

First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"

Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"

The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

>=======================================>

Some More One-Liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; if you have two you are a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5.A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

Doubt In Mahabharat

In some remote village of India, one teacher is teaching the Mahabharat story to class 6 students. He is at the 'Krishnajanma' (Birth of Lord Krishna) part of it.

Teacher: "Kansa heard the Akashwani (prediction) that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put Devki (his sister) and Vasudev (her husband) behind the bars. First son is born, and Kansa kills him by poisoning...Second one is born and Kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. "Sir, I have a doubt" (sounding nervous and confused).

"Ramu, the whole of India does not have doubt in Mahabharata then how come you have one?"

Ramu : "Sir, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL?"

Blonde Musclewomen

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

New Lingo for an Old Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

How The Company Views Its Employees

1. The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career.

2. HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain

3. HE is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal

SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping.

4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.

SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.

5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.

SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.

6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.

SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.

7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance.

The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.

8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?

SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?

9. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.

SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?

10 . HE's leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.

SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The thrid guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Direct Line to GOD

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Germany and France. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".

Attack on America

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we are ophicially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army"

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Harjit, and the whole kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight of us"

Bush paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"O Rabba mere, main kya.. ," said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

The next day, Gurmukh called again. "Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to get some more inphantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh," Bush asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Harjit's tractor."

Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

True to his word, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Harjit's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have also joined us."

Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-equiped, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera bhala hove...." said Gurmukh, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day. "Kiddan, Mr. Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart, may I ask?"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"

Exercise Of The Brain

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. So, here's a small quiz for you.

Okay, relax, clear your mind and.... Begin. Don't Cheat

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World. "If you said "water," proceed to Question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said , "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing reading these questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into WestGermany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?. . . in East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors . If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real .........!!! and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves half a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: Thirty degree. If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than "thirty degrees," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, you really are a .........! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!

Men Are Like ....

1. Men are like ... Laxatives . ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like ... Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ...... Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like .... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 50% off.

8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ..... Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ..... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ..... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

Vikram Sathaye - Cricket humour (Part 2)

Vikram Sathaye - Cricket humour (Part 1)

Kidnapping - Blonde Style

There was a blonde who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to a playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

The blonde then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $200,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground". Undersigned: "A Blonde".

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning she checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $200,000 in cash with a note saying, "How can a blonde do this to a fellow blonde? Take the money, and please leave my son." Undersigned: "Another blonde".