Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder (AAADD)

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder (AAADD): This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decided that I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll surf the web. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember where I saw it.

The ultimate result is that your brain wears out your legs!!!!!!!

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet -- your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

Lost in the Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly,"Good morning, son."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?"

"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

The Witty Sardar

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, theSheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardar replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheikh asked. The Sardar smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

Baseball

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, their 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy, who says, “Dark in here.” The man says yes it is. The little boy says he has a baseball. The man says that’s nice. The little boy asks would you like to buy it. The man says no thanks. The boy says that his Dad is outside. The man says OK, how much? The boy says $250.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mom’s lover are in the same closet. The boy says, dark in here. The man says yes. The boy says that he has a baseball glove. The man remembers the last time and asks how much? The boy demands $750.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove,” “Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell it for?” The son says $1000. The father says, that’s terrible to over charge your friends like that. That is way more than those things cost. I am going to take you to church to confess.

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

Definitions

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.

9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father: A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

New HR Policy

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci HOOCHI bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

"It Can Only Get Better!"

Corporate Rules

Rule-1

The Boss is always right.

Rule-2

If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.

Rule-3

Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

Rule-4

Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

Rule-5

If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Rule-6

When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Rule-7

It doesn't matter what you do, It only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.

Rule-8

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick

Rule-9

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Rule-10

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Rule-11

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Rule-12

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Rule-13

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Rule-14

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Rule-15

Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".

Rule-16

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

Rule-17

You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.

Rule-18

In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.

Rule-19

In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.

Rule-20

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Light At the End of the Tunnel

No matter what situations

life throws at you. . .

No matter how long and treacherous

your journey may seem. .

Remember, there is always

a light at the end of the tunnel. . .

Some New Laws and Their Discoverers

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to Itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Cannon's Karmic Law:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'Brien's Variation Law:

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bell's Theorem:

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Willoughby's Law:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Breda's Rule:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Owen's Law:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Howden's Law:

You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

One Liners

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The hardest part of skating is the ice.

My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week.

Almost Got Caught

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Credit Cards Boom

Old Air Hostesses

Celebrating Festivals Online

Indian Turned American

Women Explained Scientifically

Engineer's Perspective of a Woman

Recruitment

How to recruit the right person for the right job?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least, If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

IT Shaayari

Kal jab mile thhe....

to dil mein hua ek sound.

Aur aaj mile to kehte hain...

your file not found!

Jo muddat se hota aaya hai,

woh repeat kar doonga...

Tu naa mili to apni zindagi

ctrl+alt+delete kar doonga...

Shayad mere pyar ko

taste karna bhool gaye...

Dil sey aisa cut kiya ke

paste karna bhool gaye...

Laakhon honge nigaah mein

kabhi mujhe bhi pick karo...

Mere pyaar ke icon pe

kabhi to double-click karo...

Roz subha hum karte hain

pyar se unhe good morning...

Woh aise ghoor ke dekhti hain

jaise 0 errors aur 5 warning...

Aisa bhi nahin hai ke

I don't like your face.

Par dil ke storage mein

No more disk space.

Ghar se jab tum nikale

pehen ke reshmi gown.

Jaane kitne dilon ka

ho gaya Server down.

Essay on Cow by a Bihari

An essay was written by a Bihari Candidate in India. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC (IAS) Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, whey and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. [gober/dung] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes [like Pizza] , in hand , and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies.

Playing Through Buttercups

A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.

Then a fairy appeared. She said "Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth's beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!"

"Well, thanks," the man replied, "but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussy willows?"

A Nice Gesture

A funeral procession was being taken out from the house behind 14th tee at the Golf Course, when the golfers were preparing for tee off .Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession left the building and on to the road, on way to the cremation ground.

"That was really a very nice gesture," one of his buddies said.

"Hey, it's the least I can do. Sunday would have been our 50th wedding anniversary!"

Clever Son

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden,but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.............................

Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.Confused, the old man wrote another note to his sontelling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was:

"Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.......................... It's the best I could do for you from here."

25 Facts That I Did Not Know Of

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19.John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

Differences Betweeen Men and Women

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

All About Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied," In the lake." - Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life Thinking they had no faults at all.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says," Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Interesting Facts

1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears.
2. Until babies are 6 months old they can breathe and swallow at the same time.
3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own names.
4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarian, only females bite.
5. An average person's field of vision encompasses a 200 degree wide angle.
6. It actually snowed in Sahara desert in Feb 1979.
7. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and faster as compared to cold water.
8. Wearing head phones for one hour only, will increase the bacteria in your ears by 700 times.
9. Grapes actually explode when put in micro wave oven. Want to try !!!!
10. At 40 degree centigrade you can loose 14.4 calories per hour by only breathing.
11. A hotel in Sweden is built entirely out of ice, it is rebuilt every year.
12. Onions help reduce cholestrol if eaten after a fatty meal.

Some Interesting Facts

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.

2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

3.The name of the entire continents end with the same letter that they start with.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on one row of the keyboard.

7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!

8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be thetoughest tongue twister in the English language.

13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.

• Spades - King David
• Clubs - Alexander the Great
• Hearts - Charlemagne
• Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 (count out the answer)

16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legsin the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of naturalcauses.

17. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers andlaser printers all have in common? Answer - All invented by women.

18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Answer - Honey

19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

20. A snail can sleep for three years.

21. All polar bears are left handed.

22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

23. Butterflies taste with their feet.

24.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

27. Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump'.

28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

29. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood 30 feet.

32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Who's Who of Indian Mythology

Brahma ... Systems Installation

Vishnu ... Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi ... Finance and Accounts Consultant

Saraswati ...Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva ... DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh ... Quality Assurance & Documentation

Narada ... Data transfer

Yama ... Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta ... IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras. ... Downloadable Viruses

Devas ... Mainframe Programmers

Surya ... Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas ... In house Hackers

Ravana ... Internet Explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarna ... Zombie Process

Lakshman ... Support Software and Backup

Hanuman ... Linux/s390

Vaali ... MS Windows

Sugreeva ... DOS

Jatayu ... Firewall

Dronacharya ... System Programmer

Vishwamitra ... Sr. Manager (Projects)

Shakuni ...Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki ...Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna ... SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Dharmaraj Yudhishthira ...ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)

Arjun ... Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu ... Trainee Programmer

Draupadi ...Motivation & Team building

Bhima ...Mainframe Legacy System

Duryodhana ... Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna ... Contract programmer

Dhritarashtra ... Visual C++

Gandhari ... Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas ... Microsoft Service Packs and patches

Withdrawing Cash from ATM

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM.

1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM Machine

3. Insert card

4. Enter PIN

5. Take money out

6. Take ATM Card out

7. Drive away

How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM

1. Park the car

2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine

4. Check makeup

5. Go to ATM

6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse

7. Insert card

8. Hit Cancel

9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it

10. Insert card

11. Enter PIN

12. Take cash

13. Go to car

14. Check makeup

15. Start car

16. Stop car

17. Run back to ATM

18. Take ATM card

19. Back to car

20. Check makeup

21. Start car

22. Check makeup

23. Drive for 1/2 mile

24. Release handbrake

25. Drive on.

Comparison Between Prison And Work

In Prison: You get three meals a day (free).

At Work: You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

In Prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At Work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

In Prison: A guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
At Work: You must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

In Prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At Work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison: You get your own toilet.
At Work: You have to share.

In Prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In Prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
At Work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In Prison: You spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At Work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret oftheir long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said... 'That's once.'"

PJs Hi PJs

Q: An elephant was in love with a she-elephant. But the she-elephant went and got married to some other elephant. So our elephant was very depressed. One of his friends felt sorry for him, and took him to a park to cheer him up. In the park, they sat on a see-saw, but the see-saw broke. Now, which song would our hero sing?

A: "See-saw ho ya dil ho, aakhir toot jaata hai."

Q: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each other and want to get married, but cannot. Why?

A: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is illegal.

Q: One fine morning, Ravan felt guilty day for all his bad deeds. He felt that he should go an apologise to Ram for all the problems he had caused. So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door. Ram opened the door and was surprised to find Ravan standing there. Ravan just kept staring and thinking but didn't say a word. What was he thinking?

A: "Kis mooh se maafi maangoon?"

Q: How do you "cut" roads?

A: By laughing... because "Haste haste cut jaye raaste".

Q: Luv and Kush are going to a village and pass by a well. Luv falls into the well. Why?

A: Because Luv is blind.

Q: Now, Kush also jumps in. Why?

A: Because Luv ke liye saala Kush bhi karega!

Q: Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?

A: D'Cold; Because... Chan ki saans - D'Cold

Q: Chalo ab batao, Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai

A: D'Cold again... Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi :-)

Q: A railway station beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer. Both of them ask the same question to each other. What is the question?

A: "So, which platform are you working on?"

Q: What do you call a person who is leaving India?

A: Hindustan Lever.

Q: What do you call a person who leaves India, but doesn't travel much?

A: Hindustan Lever Limited.

Q: In an elephant school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A sexy female elephant passes by. What do the loafer elephants say about her?

A: Look yaar, 36000 - 24000 - 36000!!

Q: Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha. Uska naam kya tha?

A: Adidas.

Q: Dhoni asks Bhajji to bring a Pepsi. Bhajji brings a bottle, but takes it directly to Sehwag. Why?

A: Because Sehwag is an opener.

Q: What is the similarity between Satynarayan pooja and the Indian cricket team?

A: Dono ke ant me "Prasad" aataa hai.

Q: Who is Joe?

A: Kambakth ishq... Because "Kambakth ishq hai Joe!"

Q: The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie "my heart is an umbrella'. Which movie did he really want to see?

A: Dil Chhaata Hai.

Q: Woh kaun sa hindi geet hai jis main "Internet Explorer" ka zikar kiya gaya hai???

Hint: The heroine also refers to herself as InternetExplorer.

A: Maine Pyar Kiya.

And the song goes....

Aajaa shaam hone IE (Internet Explorer)

Mausam ne lee angada IE

To kis baat ki hai lada IE

Tu chal........ Main IE !!!

Q: Once 5 CHIPKALIs (house lizards) : Phulwa, RaamPyaari, RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri were crawling on the wall when all of a sudden, Phulwa started to sing a song. The moment Phulwa stopped singing the song, RaamPyaari,RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri fell down from the wall !!!... WHY ???

A: coz, they all started clapping !!!!

Q: Gattu ek lecture attend karta hai. Lecture ke baad use bhookh lagti hai. So he goes to the canteen. Canteen mein gattu ek pav leta hai. Jaise hi woh pav khane ke liye uthata hai to dekhta hai ki uski plate mein "jannat" likha hai. To janaab ab aapko yeh batana hai ki gattu jiska lecture attend karke aa raha hai, us proffessor ka naam kya hai???

A: The answer is Ishq Ki Chhaon.

Jinke "Sir" ho "Ishq ki Chhaon"

"Pav" ke neeche "Jannat" hogi....

Don't scratch ur head this is a song from film "Dil Se"

Q: What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....?

A: HASI NA

Q: Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek. Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton. Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it rightin front of Einstein. Einstein's counting..... 97,98,99..... 100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says "Newton's out. Newton's out" Newton denies and says i am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton. How???

A: His proof: Newton says: I am standing in a square of area 1m square. That means i am Newton per meter square. Hence i am Pascal, since newton per meter square = Pascal.

Customer Support - Program Upgradation

A customer wrote the following mail to Microsoft Technical Support Group.

26 May 2004 06:07 am #37

Dear Microsoft Technical Support,

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.

With regards,

Contd.. Anonymous

Microsoft Technical Support Reply:

26 May 2004 06:10 am #38

THE REPLY: - This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. ! Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Thank you for using the program!!

Medical Jargon

Once upon a time, a Sardar applied to Medical School.
Needless to say, he never made it... do you wanna know why ????

These are the answers he gave ...

ANTIBODY - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of playing cards
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC - neck of a crow
COMA - punctuation mark
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl
GENES - blue denim
HERNIA - she is close by
HYMEN - greeting to several males
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss
LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MICROBES - small dressing gowns
OBESITY - city of Obe
SECRETION - hiding anything
TABLET - small table
ULTRASOUND - radical noise

Lincoln And Kennedy - Weird Coincidences

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? This is one history lesson people don't mind reading.

Internet's Most Annoying Web Page

Just have a look at this site

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The Pastor's Wife

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"