Hymn #365

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."

A Fan Flirting with Zaheer Khan

This happened during a cricket match when a female fan proposes to Zaheer Khan and he responds and it is all captured on the giant screen for all to see. Hilarious!!!

Tap-Tap-Tapping in the Cemetery

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said, after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

My First Confession

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Stock Market Vocabulary

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKE -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Check Your IQ

Recently a company had participated in IIM's Placement Sessions. They asked some interesting questions to students during recruitment. Here are some of them:- Answers are at the end. ************ ********* ** 1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it? ******** 2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it? ******** 3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water? ******** 4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear? ******** 5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?  ******** 6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die? ******** 7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel? ******** 8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and  size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?  Same question, but the location is in Canada ? ******** 9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th. ******** 10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field? ******** 11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move? ******** Answers..... ....... * * * * * * * * * * * * ******** 1. The word "incorrectly. " ******** 2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two. ******** 3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;-)  ******** 4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear. ******** 5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three. ******** 6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. ******** 7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. ******** 8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.  The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down... ******** 9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78. ******** 10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack. ******** 11. The temperature.  ********

Confession

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. 

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site." 

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena (praying for nine successive days). You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

Heaven or Hell??

A priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Johhny J., taxi driver from New York!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Johhny J.: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving taxi driver is given a silken robe and a golden scarf and me, a priest, who's spent his whole life preaching Your name and goodness has to make do with a cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his taxi, people PRAYED.' 

Moral of the story: It's PERFORMANCE and not POSITION that ultimately counts. ;-)